You’re separated from your spouse but you still at least occasionally have sex with each other. That’s not unusual. Many couples do it. I mean after all this someone’s safe, you aren’t worried about them giving you a sexually transmitted disease or discovering that they’re some kind of sex pervert, that would really mess up your world. But is it smart?
I’ll give you three reasons that it might be a good idea to make love to your separated spouse but also three reasons that it might be a bad idea. Then I offer two major considerations that are very important for you to think through. Hi, I’m Dr. Joe Beam.
I earned my PhD studying the causes of and correlations between sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction. Now the pros and cons I’m about to share apply to both the sexual aspects of you’re making love with your separate espouse and the marital aspect as well. We’ll start with the pros, the things you may gain from having sex with your separated spouse. The first is that it may help bring you back together.
How? Well, when you make love to each other each of you will have a burst of oxytocin. That’s a powerful hormone that plays a significant role in bonding people together. It’s released by things like touching, caressing, and kissing, and when a person, male or female, orgasms, oxytocin hits a high level. Therefore, making love with your separated spouse may well create for each of you a stronger desire of closeness with the other.
Now if you’re doing other things to resolve your problems, this could be the added value that helps you get together again. By the way, if you don’t know what other things you could do to put your marriage back together, I’ll be happy to help. I’ll tell you about that in just a couple of minutes.
Second, having sex, especially orgasms, is good for you. It can help you reduce levels of anxiety, tension, stress; you sleep better. And especially in men it can significantly reduce irritability. Now there are several other benefits to being sexually active, ranging from heart health, to less cramping during menstrual periods, to decreasing the likelihood of breast cancer, to avoiding prostate cancer and much more. If you continue to make love while separated, you physically benefit yourself and each other, and hopefully you benefit emotionally as well.
Third, if you crave sexual fulfillment and find yourself looking for a lover to help satisfy your sexual needs. It’s best to do it with your spouse even if separated, than with someone else. I know a variety of lovers or a new lover may seem exciting, but genuine fulfillment comes from making love to the person that you have a history with, hopefully a loving history. Besides that, sleeping with someone else likely seals the end of your marriage.
It also creates new potential relationship problems for your future. Now for the cons. The reasons that it might be a bad idea to have sex with your separated spouse. First, if you’ve decided that you will not consider the possibility of reconciliation, but you know that your spouse holds out hope for your marriage, making love to them creates a false hope within them that will make their healing much more difficult. Separation is emotionally difficult enough, please don’t add to their pain by selfishly having sex with the person who wants you back when you have no intention of ever coming back.
Second, experiencing the closeness and bonding of making love with your separated spouse may set you up for disappointment. Even if you think you’re over your mate and you want to make love just for the sexual benefits. Feeling powerful emotions during sex can develop strong desires to be with your mate again, not just sexually, but to put the marriage back together.
Now, that can cause a deeper and longer lasting hurt for you if you finally divorce. Third, if your separated spouse is involved with another person sexually and making love with you as well, you’re giving your spouse the message that you’re okay with being one of his or her lovers. If you don’t want to give that message, avoid the sex. Of course it’s your decision as to whether you make love to your separated spouse or not. I recommend that you do some processing on the brief pro’s and con’s I’ve given here, and there are many more to think about, but these will help you use your brain and not just your heart as you make the decision as to what you’ll do.
Now, as you make your decision there are two other things to consider. First, if your mate has already married someone else sleeping with him or her makes you a cheater. Please don’t be that person.
The person who hurts someone else just to get what you want. If you do, everyone gets hurt, including you. Second, be aware that if you’re separated spouse has been having sex with someone else, they probably have crossed sexual borders that they never crossed before. When a person violates their beliefs and values to cheat on their spouse, it’s not unusual for them to do things sexually that they would not do before. Now, I’m not telling you that to upset you, but to inform you.
If you choose to have sex with your spouse who has been or is involved with someone else, you may not be a satisfactory lover to your mate if you do only those things you did before in your marriage. Don’t be surprised if your spouse wants you to do things you haven’t done. You know, you may do them and find pleasure in the novelty of something new, or you may regret that you did and then resent your spouse for asking. If you’re going to make love to your separated spouse who has been with someone else, it’s best if you think about what you’re willing to do or not do if your spouse wants it before they ask.
As you know, I’ve already said it, it’s your choice as to whether you make love with your separated spouse. If one reason you wish to do so is that you want the marriage to be saved, that can happen. If you want your mate to come home and make your marriage good again, we can help. Or, if you’re the spouse who left but you’re having hesitations about whether you should or should not try to save your marriage, we can help. Call us at 866-903-0990 and speak to one of our client representatives.
They’re not counselors, it’s not a hotline. However, they are well-trained, caring people who will get you to resources that would most benefit you. We have posts, articles, and podcasts on our website, marriagehelper.com.
We also have an online course for one spouse who wants to save the marriage when the other doesn’t. We have coaches who work with people via phone or internet. We also have a powerful three-day workshop for marriages in trouble. That workshop helps both of you make decisions about your future. Now, subscribe below and you’ll be informed about our posts when new ones are posted.
If you have any idea that you might want to save the marriage even if you’re not sure, please know we care and we’re ready to help. Call us!