Relationship skills for the modern world |John Gray

Relationship skills for the modern world |John Gray Dating

I just had a baby, meaning I’m 65 but I had a new book. I’ve got a big family, I got three daughters, married 32 years, four grandchildren. But here I get to come party, love it.

Okay. But I wake up pretty fast when I’m thinking about my new baby which is a new book called “Beyond Mars and Venus.” I think it’s so relevant here, particularly a lot of people younger than me. And what happened is about 25, 35 years ago, I started teaching gender differences, because, you know, in the name of equality, so with a good intention, we tried to invent reality and say that men and women were the same, and expect men and women to be the same.

When equality is a beautiful thing. It’s a transformation of consciousness on the planet. Never before had we had such a beautiful potential for great relationships, and never before have we had so much divorce, and so many single people, and so many guys who say, “You know, why is it after a year I’m not turned on to her. And why is it after two months when they kinda go? What is going on?” There’s so much challenge.

And, you know, it’s the talk around here. Sometimes people say, “Well, what’s the point of marriage?” You know, it’s just like, if your idea of marriage is what it used to be, then why get married unless you just want to have kids and be together and create a family, which is a beautiful thing and a good reason to be married. But the second part of it is, we want more today. And in wanting more, you have to sort of adjust your expectations of what’s possible. And when you get to what’s possible, you suddenly go, “That’s fantastic.” So my message is what’s possible is I’m 65 years old.

I’ve been having sex with my wife for 40 years, and it gets better every year. Every week, I have great sex and I fuck for an hour. I mean, somebody has to figure this out and show us how if you want to stay with a person, because economically and peacefully and lovingly if you stay with a person you can actually grow in love, it’s amazing.

It’s so much easier, if it gets easier. But relationships today are really hard because we were kind of lost in them. And I want to explain why we’re so lost in them.

What happens, why men lose attraction for women, why women lose attraction for men. And so my new book “Beyond Mars and Venus” says, okay, we have our basic principles I talked about men are from Mars, which still stand true to a great extent. It was never everybody’s like this and everybody’s like that, through generalizations there’s like a bell curve. And when I see as a therapist over 40 years now, you see the same problems come in every time.

So one of those same problems and men from Mars address those problems. We have new problems, but let’s address some of the old ones first, because they’re still there to some extent. And the old problems are basically people would come to me and they want a divorce.

But their friends all say you have to go talk to John Gray first. So okay, I’ll talk to them. So I take the man to the side, guy-to-guy, and I go, “Okay, what is it?

What’s the problem?” When you ask the guy what’s the problem, usually it’s just one sentence. Ask the woman what’s the problem, we have a whole 50-minute counseling session. It’s true. I mean, you know, maybe you can guess when a guy wants to get a divorce. And not that if you feel this way, as a guy, you have to get a divorce.

It’s just this is the movement towards men losing attraction to their wives or women losing attraction to their husbands are feeling really connected. Some people are happy or content relationships because they’re not connected, so they stopped having sex. But, you know, part of…a little bit of my talk today, because I’m really into health and vitality and energy, and, of course, sex. And it’s sex that keeps you young and vital. And if you can have sex with a person who knows you, who’s seen the best of you and the worst of you, and they still have orgasms with you and the man worships you and adores you, that’s the best, doesn’t get any better.

It’s something you can experience even married 15, 20, 30 years and it just gets better and better and better. And a lot of people, they don’t even notice the possibility. It’s like you haven’t seen the Grand Canyon till you’ve seen the Grand Canyon. So I’m the Grand Canyon here.

I’m telling you what I’ve learned. And so what does the man say, when I say, “Okay, what’s the deal here? Because, you know, kinda like is your problem?

Can we fix it? What’s the deal?” Most of the guys say, you know, “I love my wife and my life.” Not all guys love their lives, but it is, I love my wife. But no matter what I do, it’s not enough to make her happy. That’s it.

Men are so simple. If I come home, my wife is happy, I think I’m victorious. I just took her to Hamilton, fifth-row center seats.

I mean, just spectacular. Oh my god, it was great. But for me what was even better, was my anniversary 32 years of anniversary of marriage, but what’s better is as a man, I’m sitting there with my wife and she’s happy. She’s enjoying it.

Everybody’s enjoying it. It’s fantastic. But on an emotional level, even on a subconscious level and men, if she’s happy, I wrote Hamilton. Thank you very much.

That’s my show. I bought the tickets. I brought her the place.

I wrote the damn play. You know, that’s me. Okay. Look at me up there, honey, Hamilton.

Men always take credit for the happiness of the woman they love. Same thing if we’re into sports, your team, I go see the Warriors. I’m from the Bay Area, San Francisco. Warriors are winning, yeah, okay.

If you measure just the way the cosmos is, this is a cool place. I mentioned this. So I brought my grandkids to see the Warriors, and Curry who’s our superstar, fantastic guy, he wasn’t in the show.

He was like sitting out on that one or whatever. And it was an easy win for them. And they won and all that. So Curry wasn’t there. So I wanted to see Curry.

So a week later I’m sitting in Frank Hamilton, two rows back on the aisle was Curry. It was so fanta…I wanted to see if he comes. I mean, that’s synchronicity.

You want it, it happens. It’s just so amazing. But only when your heart is open. But the flip side of when your heart is open, you’re following your path.

The universe is serving you. It always is serving us. The universe is telling us through our heart, our God, however, you want to say it, your soul, your wisdom, your higher self. If you’re listening to your heart, the only time you should listen to yourself is if you’re feeling love. Your heart is open, you connect.

I’m not giving a religious talk today. I didn’t think but I remember one of my favorite passages from some movie I saw in Jesus, and it was, where they got really mad at Jesus because He was healing on Sunday, on Sabbath. That’s like against the rules, you get crucified for that.

So they said… Basically, they said, “How are you to break the rules? You’re a holy man, you’re a rabbi, how can you do that?” And he said, “When your heart is open, the Word of God is written.” He said, “When your heart is open…” Now, I can’t even remember because I live in my space. But something like when your heart is open, the Word of God is written already inside of you.

Which meant when you’re unconscious, you have to depend on others and books which are all fine if there are people you’re inspired by, to awaken you. But when you’re awakened, when your heart is open, the truth is there, it’s always there. And just we don’t listen to it.

You know, maybe you wanna go on a diet. I’m going to eat better. Oh, that looks so good to eat.

You stop listening to this part of you that was inspired. And that’s what marriages as a fun thought, part of that whole marriage ceremony thing is in front of your friends, you feel this devotion and this love and you express it out loud in front of everybody and make a big deal out of it. Then it’s like, it’s harder to get out. That’s what marriage is.

Okay, it’s harder to get out. You just told to everybody. And, you know, my wife has got wedding pictures at different places I go to remind me of that day.

Okay, so because see, part of keeping a commitment is when I proposed to my wife, I won’t tell you how I did it, but it was proposed on a very memorable moment. And by the way, men when you propose, make sure it’s a memorable moment. Because she’s gonna remember it the rest of our lives, sitting on the toilet and say maybe we should get married is not the best idea. Okay?

And she’ll brag about it. And for years, people will say how did y’all meet, how’d you get married? What happened?

Stories. This is all really, really special stuff. But the point of a wedding, for example, where you declare a commitment to the world, all your friends are there, many of your friends are there, you make that commitment. It’s so that when you follow that commitment 20 years later, 30 years later, you’re listening to the same voice you were connected to on that day. Because see, our heart can open and our heart can close, our heart can open our heart can close.

Now, that’s all great esoteric knowledge, but biologically, it’s true as well. I love to bring a little science into it. When you’re experiencing fight or flight, this is just basic biology now, that means you feel threatened, you feel insecure, you feel like you’re not getting what you want. You feel any kind of emotional distress, anytime or you don’t feel basically happy, loving, confident, trusting, any of those good feelings.

When you’re not in your natural state which is positive, to a great extent, to various degrees, your brain is making adrenaline or cortisol. Now, when your body makes, these are stress hormones. So when these stress hormones kick in, when adrenaline kicks in, basically blood flow stops to the prefrontal cortex of the brain, and goes pretty much to the emotional part of the brain, the limbic system of the brain.

Now, biologists will do the DNA of 99% of your brain or 95% of your brain, something like that. It’s all monkey. There’s no difference between this part of my brain and a monkey. And this part of my brain, which is ruled by fight or flight, that’s when cortisol kicks in.

That’s the same as a dinosaur. So basically, we’re all dinosaurs, we’re monkeys. And there’s one sliver in our brain, which is human, which is right here. And this is all good.

It’s just who runs you? Who’s the boss? Is this the boss or is monkey the boss?

Or is reptile the boss? So like for a guy? I mean, because I know this stuff. I’m not your average guy, when I was 50, I’m 65 now, when I’m 50, I tested my testosterone and to a certain extent, I was like the average American man or Western man, half the testosterone of when you’re a young man. Sixty-five I’m 25% higher.

What happened? New relationship skills, new health skills. I do not take testosterone.

Testosterone, actually just for men who are doing it you’ll bulk up, that’s great. And your testicles shrink. So that’s not the best thing to do. You wanna learn to make your testosterone. So we’re going into hormone land here, which is the difference between men and women.

On a spiritual level, none. Spirit is a beautiful blend of masculine and feminine. And there’s masculine qualities, and there’s feminine qualities and I have more to various degrees everybody does. And that’s your unique, authentic self. What happened in the 60s is there was sort of…50s, 60s there was this feminist movement going on in America where women were saying, “Hey, we’re tired of just staying in the home getting pregnant, we wanna have jobs, we wanna be independent, we wanna express ourselves.

It’s like they’re like, totally turned on to expressing their masculine qualities. Why? Because something happened that allowed women to access all of who they are.

And so if you’re a woman and your conditioning has repressed you from your expressing your masculine side, for all of history, thousands and thousands of years, women had a role, which is nurturing, safe, taking care of children. I’m down in the Amazon, I fly in a private plane, land on the dirt lands to landing strip. Go on a canoe for two hours, walk to the jungle for five hours. Which by the way, I’ll never forget that moment.

Because around four and a half hours I’m with my wife, she says, “I can’t go on any further.” And everybody in our little group was like, “I can’t do it, I can’t do it.” And I pulled out my little bag of white powder. I said, “Just take a little bit of this, a little bit of this.” And they were all like wilted flowers and they all went, “Ahh huh.” The reason I remember that is I was a hero. Every man wants to be a hero. Why?

Biologically, when you’re a hero, your testosterone doubles. And for men in order to be, to feel good, to feel alive, to feel energetic, to feel motivated, the difference between men and women, even though women can do everything a man can do because you access your spirit now, all of who you are, you go to your male side, on your male side, still a man’s testosterone level needs to be 10 to 30 times higher than yours. This is biology. If your testosterone shoots way up, guess what happens? Your estrogen goes way down.

Your progesterone goes way down. So now you’re like to looking to doctors for hormone support, you’re getting PMS, you’re getting bloating, you have painful periods, your breasts are sore, all that crazy stuff that women go through secretly. And it creates a longing whether you wanna kill them, you hate him, all that stuff or you hate yourself, your body’s never good enough. All this is stress hormones because when you’re experiencing stress hormones, blood flow stops to this part of the brain. And you go right into the conditioning of childhood, which is the middle part of the brain.

And if you’re in full fight or flight, you go into conditioning of thousands of years ago, instincts. Instincts just go into play. You have no control over yourself. I mean, it’s not an excuse for bad behavior, but it’s explanation why people do the stupidest things.

I love the post. It’s not about the nail. Let’s just take an example of our stupidity quite often. So my wife’s upset, she’s complaining about I can’t remember I’m having such a good time, but she’s a great complainer.

But you see, I’m such a great husband. She has to work really hard to find things to complain about. I’m sorry, just what it is, okay.

And why? Why do women need to complain? That’s what you’ll learn. She’s talking about the nail, her priority is I need you to hear me first.

Women certainly can figure it out they need to pull the nail out. They don’t need him to tell her. You see they get that, she knows I gotta pull the nail out. But before you pull the nail out, that’s called solving the problem. Women need to talk about it.

Why? Why? A man goes why? What’s the point? What do you want me to do about this?

You want me to do nothing? This poor guy is like what am I doing? I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s like, that’s so hard. Every cell in his body says pull the damn nail out, what is going on here?

But what he doesn’t understand is she has a different biology. All of our well-being is psychological and physical. They go right hand in hand, biologically, if I’m depressed as a man, if I’m anxious as a man, if I’m bored as a man, if I’m angry as a man, if I’m mean as a man, if I’m violent as a man, always or if I have cancer, I’m a man or I have prostate cancer.

I can’t pee anymore. All that stuff, testaments hormones, testosterone is dropped. See, everybody misunderstood testosterone for the longest time. And then wonderful research at Stanford corrected everything, which is men’s aggression, which is seen as a problem in the world was associated with high testosterone.

Now it’s high estrogen. That’s it. What happens as a man, see, I’m standing in front of you, although I’m having fun, it’s all easy for me.

I’m doing it in my sleep. Usually, I could say I can do it in my sleep. Now, I am doing it in my sleep. So, gotta look at the clock. I could go on for hours here, so I gotta keep tighten this up, John.

Okay, let me get a little water here. Wow, I’m really on my estrogen side. You see, my female side will always go for the glass of water.

My male side won’t even see the glass, it will grab the bottle. Now, just analyze why do I want the bottle as opposed to the glass? Because if a man drinks the glass, somebody’s gotta wash the dishes.

Testosterone activates a certain gene and that’s called the efficiency gene. The efficiency gene means there could be many ways to do something. What’s the easiest, fastest way to do it?

Straight line. It’s like in my town I have routes where I live. My wife knows the whole city because she’s like, “This route’s boring, I’m gonna do another route.” Okay? For women, exploration is gonna produce estrogen, relaxation, exploration. For a man, if I get there the fastest, straight line, my testosterone goes up.

Testosterone is all about solving problems. It’s all about efficiency. It’s the gold mine for men. And female hormones are the gold mine for women, which is estrogen. And it’s not so simple.

Women are highly complex. I know women, you think we’re complex, because you can’t understand us because we’re so different. They’re always going, “What’s he thinking?

What’s he thinking?” He’s thinking nothing. “What’s he thinking?” Nothing. And I started out with a real simple idea, which is so the crux of fundamental issue that happens in all relationships is men do their best to make you happy. And we’re successful in the beginning because almost anything makes you happy.

If you’re like looking for a guy and he’s the right kind of guy, I have three daughters. I know all this stuff. They meet a guy and now they’re all calling each other, texting each other, “He called, he called, he called.” I mean, they’re so excited. “Oh my god. Oh my god, we’re gonna go to dinner.

Oh my god, this is amazing. I think he likes me. I think he likes me.

I’m so happy. Oh my god, did you hear this?” This whole thing. And this poor guy, all he had to do to make you happy was call. Then you get married.

Now, you got to do more than call. Okay. Like this, this, this, this, this, this, this. Now, men are from Mars has filled hours and hours of practical techniques to create a lasting loving relationship. I can’t do all that today, but I’ll make a point.

When you get that book, you’ll see, “Oh, I could do this. I can do this. I can do this like this.” I caution men because you read it and you go, “Wow. Now, I understand women, this is amazing. I can get laid as much as I want,” because men are motivated by certain things.

So you got all these things. And so a man is like really inspired, encouraged. So you hit like, let’s say there’s 50 things. I’m just gonna give you three today.

That’s about it. That’s all you need is the first few steps to move forward towards that, the real basics. But if there’s 50 things and I’m so in love, and I’m so inspired, I’m gonna go home and do all 50. She’s gonna be so happy.

And then about two weeks later, she will invent 51 and 52, women always want more. So, you just gotta get used to this, guys, women always want more. Now, does anybody judge a woman or a man who’s in the business world who wants more success, more money, more success, more recognition?

I just wanna sell more books. I wanna go around the world, I wanna help my message, I want a better world. I want more and more and more in the work world. Well, in our relationships, it’s only natural for us to want more there. And so we need to create a space for women to want more.

Because often men are like, If you love me, then you gotta be just like you were when we got married, happy with me just the way I am. The difference between men and women when they get married, men go please stay just like you are now. And women go, “Oh, now that we’re married I can change him.

I will improve him.” Men have the fix-it, gene. It’s testosterone, I gotta fix it. Anytime there’s a problem and I have an answer, testosterone goes up. That’s right. Now, all my sleepiness is gone.

Because if I have an answer, I got my job, I know what I can do, I can help people, get a nice response, boom, testosterone up. I could have the flu and I wouldn’t feel it now, when testosterone doubles. Just shoots up.

Now, let’s say I didn’t have confidence and I wasn’t that experienced, then I would have fear. What is actually happening in my body if I was in fear, a little nervousness, little anxiety, little stress? Biologically, there’s a hormone being produced called aromatase. Aromatase turns my testosterone which is rising to meet the challenge, but if I don’t have confidence because I don’t know what to do, I don’t have the training to do it. Then for a man his testosterone converts into estrogen and estrogen floods his brain with emotion and he feels fear, he feels anxiety, or he gets angry or he gets depressed.

Men do not experience depression, anxiety, lack of liveness, if their testosterone is in really good healthy level. Now, the men say, “Should I get my testosterone tested? I mean, what’s the story there?” Simple test, wake up in the morning, is it north or south?

Every day when you get up in the morning, you should be able to do it. Okay, you should be ready gun going. You know, this is your job, is to make babies, okay? It should be there.

I mean, is that a yes, yes? Okay, so women, yes, yes. And it is how it used to be, men’s testosterone levels just plummeting and the bad news, it just gets worse at 35. Now they’re calling that normal, natural, nonsense.

Go to indigenous cultures everyday boom, and she’s ready to go. But doesn’t mean you have sex every time. It just means you’re ready to go. Now, if you’re a monkey, you go and do it. But if you’re a human, you take that energy and you use it in all kinds of ways.

And then sometimes you’d use it for sex. But you don’t just use it all just for sex. Otherwise, you’re a teenager, 13 years old discovering I can masturbate.

That’s it. You wanna take that energy and move it into different places, as we’re, you know, I write a book, for example, I mean, I share my stories. When I write a book, I’ve written 26 books. It takes me about a month to write a book, it is about 12 to 15 hours a day of typing.

It’s just a bit of running a machine like that. And during that time, I’m naturally celibate because all of my energy is going into the book. And then when the book’s over, man, do I wanna have sex? And, of course, my wife goes, “Not yet.

I need a date. I need to get reacquainted.” Some woman said yes, yes. Okay. I used to resent that until I understood women.

So women cannot have sexual climax unless their estrogen levels double. Say for a woman to be happy and fulfilled for 12 days of a month after her period for about 10 days her estrogen levels need to rise and for five days she needs to have them be twice as high as before. That’s your ovulation time, is the three days before, during, maybe one day after, you’re ovulating. Nature says you need to be fucked.

That’s the imperative otherwise what use are you, you can’t bring on. So for happiness and aliveness for women, make sure that happens. Okay, that’s that day.

Now, as a man what I need to know is my wife just had a period, now we’re beyond that with postmenopausal or with menopausal women and beyond, it’s not so much you don’t have the cycle to measure it with, you have the full moon. Okay, so when women’s, when the moon is full, women’s estrogen levels dramatically rise. When women are ovulating their estrogen levels dramatically rise. They have to otherwise she’s infertile. During that time what estrogen does for a woman, it’s only during those five days where she really feels it.

She feels I need someone. I need not just sex, I need love, I need affection, I need attention, I need more. So if she’s getting more, she’s really, really happy and she has the unbelievable climax. But if she’s not getting more she’s a crazy woman. She’ll throw things at you, knife you, yell at you, scream at you.

Scream, bang on the door, come back, come back, come back. Don’t get away from me. You know? Because she feels this need and to the extent that she’s not aware of her feminine needs it bang her, it hits a really hard so she says things like this. So this is just like warning signs men.

She says things like, “You don’t love me. You never take me out on dates anymore. You’re never romantic.

You’re not affectionate. You always make work more important than me.” So, the key here is unhappy and never and always. Whenever they say that, that means estrogens trying to get up.

Okay, it’s got to come up. And once it’s up, then they come back to remembering how wonderful you are. But during that time, she has temporary amnesia. She does, she has temporary amnesia, and she forgets any good thing about you.

I mean, literally, I remember when I turned 50 I decided, you know, I had lots of money, big selling books, and all that stuff. So I said, “I wanna buy a ranch.” You know, imagine your husband just comes in one day. You’ve never heard him talk about a ranch.

And he says, “Honey, I’m gonna buy a ranch.” She goes, “A ranch? You never told me about this.” She says, “Who are you?” Literally, sometimes my wife will look at me, “Who are you?” And I go, “Okay, it’s that time. I can introduce myself,” but actually I don’t.

See, that’s the mistake you make. Women are saying why do you do this? And why don’t you do that? How does this…

And men like explain to you, “You’re misunderstanding. It’s not that way, you shouldn’t be upset.” She says, “We never go out anymore.” “Honey, last Wednesday we saw Hamilton. Have you forgotten already?” “Oh, oh, have I forgotten already?” See, a lot of this stuff was figured out a long time ago.

My later stuff has not ever been figured out because it was never needed. But there’s some basic Mars Venus material. But the Greeks had this, you know, the mythology of Medusa. Medusa was the witch, to politely say, she’s the bitch. Okay, so that’s Medusa.

So she’s the witch of when femininity doesn’t feel loved and supported, the witch comes out. And she has snakes that come out of her head. Nothing you do is good enough. Snakes. Unlimited complaints, okay?

You just kinda go, “How does she even think of all these things. I can achieve and hold in their mind? You just kind of go, snakes are coming out.

And some may go, okay, just I’m a warrior. Pull out your sword, fix those problems. Explain to her you shouldn’t be upset.

We just went out last week. She says, “Why do you leave your glasses in the sink? Can’t you just put them in the dishwater? How much energy does it take to move this to here?” Now, what do I wanna say to that? I wanna say, “Honey, yesterday, you left your glasses in the sink.” Exactly.

You see this men? All the women go, “Yeah, what a stupid guy.” Okay. Women do this all the time. We tell them, you know, “Honey, just pull out the nail, would you?” And they’ll be fine. She doesn’t need you to tell her that.

What she needs you for, and this is like a kind of a new revelation is she just needs to talk about it. And why do women need to talk about this stuff? Because if you experience stress, your blood flow stops to the front part of your brain and if you’re a woman talking about what’s stressing you out will actually increase your estrogen and lower your stress.

The flip side of that is that men learn, stop talking about your complaints. Your testosterone will go up. Psychology is wonderful, but it’s also kind of ruined relationships. And it encourages women to say, “What are you feeling?

What’s the matter over there? Getting men to talk about their feelings. Like I gotta penetrate him?

Basically, who’s supposed to penetrate who and where do we get penetrated as men? So if you penetrate there what do you get? Asshole? Okay?

Unless you’re gay and I wanna be space for gay, we’ll get to a little bit on gay, I’m not an expert on gay, but there’s a…you’re heterosexual because I am. I’m just telling you my life experiences and what I’ve learned. You can apply it all to gay relationship, any relationship, she was up on stage I wanna apply it to my son, okay, it’s understanding differences.

Ultimately, a marriage is the best biggest testing ground to learn something which is called unconditional love. Accepting someone that you just don’t understand and can’t make sense of. And I help you to do that. But you’re still always gonna be challenged. I’m Kung Fu.

This is Kung Fu relationship skills we’re talking about. See, like, if I was like this insecure guy and needing my wife to bump up my ego whatever, I come home everybody gave me a standing ovation. I’m feeling on top of the world, best selling authors, celebrity type, all that stuff. I come home my wife sees me and she goes, “You know, you forgot to call, when are you gonna call me?” Boom, it’s like, that’s the greeting I get.

It’s like I’m such big shot. Or she’ll say something like, I’ll come home and relaxing, watching the news and she say, “John, you left the light on in the living room.” What are you supposed to say if you’re a man? And she’d be upset about little things. See, in her mind, she thinks I’m only upset about little stuff. That means you’re like a great guy because I’m only upset about little stuff.

But that’s not how men if they don’t understand women, they misinterpret it. They think that if I really do a bad job, if I’m doing a bad job as a husband, then you have a right to be upset with me about these little things, like you don’t do this, you don’t do this, you don’t do this. So let’s use, give me an example the way men think. Let’s say I’m the president, and you voted for me and I come into your house and attract dirt in your house. But you love me so much.

I’m the president you voted for and he tracks dirt in your house. Do you say anything? “Oh, let me pick up your dirt, happy to do that. No problem.” Just like you were when he first married you, pick up after you. See women, when they get married to a guy, they go, “Oh, god, yes, he’s a messy I can clean up after him.

Look at how I can give my love to him.” Then later, it’s like, “Well, what’s he doing for me?” Particularly at that time, where she’s giving and giving but this is the time when she needs to receive back most, the most. So back to my first point since I haven’t even finished that. I only have 15 minutes left. Dream with me, dream with me. First point, what do men say when they’re thinking about giving up?

No matter what I do, it’s not enough to make her happy. And what do women say? They say, “15 minutes of he doesn’t do this, he doesn’t do this.” I give and I give and I give, I’m this loving, wonderful woman and I don’t get back and I just have nothing left to give.

And she doesn’t. Because when her estrogen levels drop, because she’s not receiving, when anybody does something for you, your estrogen levels start to come up, and many women are very uncomfortable feeling femininity. So what happened in the 60s, this my new book “Beyond Mars and Venus,” we had these very traditional roles, you might call remarriage a role mate. I’m the provider, she’s the homemaker and we have this nice relationship.

I just had a baby, meaning I’m 65 but I had a new book. I’ve got a big family, I got three daughters, married 32 years, four grandchildren. But here I get to come party, love it.

Okay. But I wake up pretty fast when I’m thinking about my new baby which is a new book called “Beyond Mars and Venus.” I think it’s so relevant here, particularly a lot of people younger than me. And what happened is about 25, 35 years ago, I started teaching gender differences, because, you know, in the name of equality, so with a good intention, we tried to invent reality and say that men and women were the same, and expect men and women to be the same.

When equality is a beautiful thing. It’s a transformation of consciousness on the planet. Never before had we had such a beautiful potential for great relationships, and never before have we had so much divorce, and so many single people, and so many guys who say, “You know, why is it after a year I’m not turned on to her. And why is it after two months when they kinda go? What is going on?” There’s so much challenge.

And, you know, it’s the talk around here. Sometimes people say, “Well, what’s the point of marriage?” You know, it’s just like, if your idea of marriage is what it used to be, then why get married unless you just want to have kids and be together and create a family, which is a beautiful thing and a good reason to be married. But the second part of it is, we want more today. And in wanting more, you have to sort of adjust your expectations of what’s possible. And when you get to what’s possible, you suddenly go, “That’s fantastic.” So my message is what’s possible is I’m 65 years old.

I’ve been having sex with my wife for 40 years, and it gets better every year. Every week, I have great sex and I fuck for an hour. I mean, somebody has to figure this out and show us how if you want to stay with a person, because economically and peacefully and lovingly if you stay with a person you can actually grow in love, it’s amazing.

It’s so much easier, if it gets easier. But relationships today are really hard because we were kind of lost in them. And I want to explain why we’re so lost in them.

What happens, why men lose attraction for women, why women lose attraction for men. And so my new book “Beyond Mars and Venus” says, okay, we have our basic principles I talked about men are from Mars, which still stand true to a great extent. It was never everybody’s like this and everybody’s like that, through generalizations there’s like a bell curve. And when I see as a therapist over 40 years now, you see the same problems come in every time.

So one of those same problems and men from Mars address those problems. We have new problems, but let’s address some of the old ones first, because they’re still there to some extent. And the old problems are basically people would come to me and they want a divorce.

But their friends all say you have to go talk to John Gray first. So okay, I’ll talk to them. So I take the man to the side, guy-to-guy, and I go, “Okay, what is it?

What’s the problem?” When you ask the guy what’s the problem, usually it’s just one sentence. Ask the woman what’s the problem, we have a whole 50-minute counseling session. It’s true. I mean, you know, maybe you can guess when a guy wants to get a divorce. And not that if you feel this way, as a guy, you have to get a divorce.

It’s just this is the movement towards men losing attraction to their wives or women losing attraction to their husbands are feeling really connected. Some people are happy or content relationships because they’re not connected, so they stopped having sex. But, you know, part of…a little bit of my talk today, because I’m really into health and vitality and energy, and, of course, sex. And it’s sex that keeps you young and vital. And if you can have sex with a person who knows you, who’s seen the best of you and the worst of you, and they still have orgasms with you and the man worships you and adores you, that’s the best, doesn’t get any better.

It’s something you can experience even married 15, 20, 30 years and it just gets better and better and better. And a lot of people, they don’t even notice the possibility. It’s like you haven’t seen the Grand Canyon till you’ve seen the Grand Canyon. So I’m the Grand Canyon here.

I’m telling you what I’ve learned. And so what does the man say, when I say, “Okay, what’s the deal here? Because, you know, kinda like is your problem?

Can we fix it? What’s the deal?” Most of the guys say, you know, “I love my wife and my life.” Not all guys love their lives, but it is, I love my wife. But no matter what I do, it’s not enough to make her happy. That’s it.

Men are so simple. If I come home, my wife is happy, I think I’m victorious. I just took her to Hamilton, fifth-row center seats.

I mean, just spectacular. Oh my god, it was great. But for me what was even better, was my anniversary 32 years of anniversary of marriage, but what’s better is as a man, I’m sitting there with my wife and she’s happy. She’s enjoying it.

Everybody’s enjoying it. It’s fantastic. But on an emotional level, even on a subconscious level and men, if she’s happy, I wrote Hamilton. Thank you very much.

That’s my show. I bought the tickets. I brought her the place.

I wrote the damn play. You know, that’s me. Okay. Look at me up there, honey, Hamilton.

Men always take credit for the happiness of the woman they love. Same thing if we’re into sports, your team, I go see the Warriors. I’m from the Bay Area, San Francisco. Warriors are winning, yeah, okay.

If you measure just the way the cosmos is, this is a cool place. I mentioned this. So I brought my grandkids to see the Warriors, and Curry who’s our superstar, fantastic guy, he wasn’t in the show.

He was like sitting out on that one or whatever. And it was an easy win for them. And they won and all that. So Curry wasn’t there. So I wanted to see Curry.

So a week later I’m sitting in Frank Hamilton, two rows back on the aisle was Curry. It was so fanta…I wanted to see if he comes. I mean, that’s synchronicity.

You want it, it happens. It’s just so amazing. But only when your heart is open. But the flip side of when your heart is open, you’re following your path.

The universe is serving you. It always is serving us. The universe is telling us through our heart, our God, however, you want to say it, your soul, your wisdom, your higher self. If you’re listening to your heart, the only time you should listen to yourself is if you’re feeling love. Your heart is open, you connect.

I’m not giving a religious talk today. I didn’t think but I remember one of my favorite passages from some movie I saw in Jesus, and it was, where they got really mad at Jesus because He was healing on Sunday, on Sabbath. That’s like against the rules, you get crucified for that.

So they said… Basically, they said, “How are you to break the rules? You’re a holy man, you’re a rabbi, how can you do that?” And he said, “When your heart is open, the Word of God is written.” He said, “When your heart is open…” Now, I can’t even remember because I live in my space. But something like when your heart is open, the Word of God is written already inside of you.

Which meant when you’re unconscious, you have to depend on others and books which are all fine if there are people you’re inspired by, to awaken you. But when you’re awakened, when your heart is open, the truth is there, it’s always there. And just we don’t listen to it.

You know, maybe you wanna go on a diet. I’m going to eat better. Oh, that looks so good to eat.

You stop listening to this part of you that was inspired. And that’s what marriages as a fun thought, part of that whole marriage ceremony thing is in front of your friends, you feel this devotion and this love and you express it out loud in front of everybody and make a big deal out of it. Then it’s like, it’s harder to get out. That’s what marriage is.

Relationship skills for the modern world |John Gray Date

Okay, it’s harder to get out. You just told to everybody. And, you know, my wife has got wedding pictures at different places I go to remind me of that day.

Okay, so because see, part of keeping a commitment is when I proposed to my wife, I won’t tell you how I did it, but it was proposed on a very memorable moment. And by the way, men when you propose, make sure it’s a memorable moment. Because she’s gonna remember it the rest of our lives, sitting on the toilet and say maybe we should get married is not the best idea. Okay?

And she’ll brag about it. And for years, people will say how did y’all meet, how’d you get married? What happened?

Stories. This is all really, really special stuff. But the point of a wedding, for example, where you declare a commitment to the world, all your friends are there, many of your friends are there, you make that commitment. It’s so that when you follow that commitment 20 years later, 30 years later, you’re listening to the same voice you were connected to on that day. Because see, our heart can open and our heart can close, our heart can open our heart can close.

Now, that’s all great esoteric knowledge, but biologically, it’s true as well. I love to bring a little science into it. When you’re experiencing fight or flight, this is just basic biology now, that means you feel threatened, you feel insecure, you feel like you’re not getting what you want. You feel any kind of emotional distress, anytime or you don’t feel basically happy, loving, confident, trusting, any of those good feelings.

When you’re not in your natural state which is positive, to a great extent, to various degrees, your brain is making adrenaline or cortisol. Now, when your body makes, these are stress hormones. So when these stress hormones kick in, when adrenaline kicks in, basically blood flow stops to the prefrontal cortex of the brain, and goes pretty much to the emotional part of the brain, the limbic system of the brain.

Now, biologists will do the DNA of 99% of your brain or 95% of your brain, something like that. It’s all monkey. There’s no difference between this part of my brain and a monkey. And this part of my brain, which is ruled by fight or flight, that’s when cortisol kicks in.

That’s the same as a dinosaur. So basically, we’re all dinosaurs, we’re monkeys. And there’s one sliver in our brain, which is human, which is right here. And this is all good.

It’s just who runs you? Who’s the boss? Is this the boss or is monkey the boss?

Or is reptile the boss? So like for a guy? I mean, because I know this stuff. I’m not your average guy, when I was 50, I’m 65 now, when I’m 50, I tested my testosterone and to a certain extent, I was like the average American man or Western man, half the testosterone of when you’re a young man. Sixty-five I’m 25% higher.

What happened? New relationship skills, new health skills. I do not take testosterone.

Testosterone, actually just for men who are doing it you’ll bulk up, that’s great. And your testicles shrink. So that’s not the best thing to do. You wanna learn to make your testosterone. So we’re going into hormone land here, which is the difference between men and women.

On a spiritual level, none. Spirit is a beautiful blend of masculine and feminine. And there’s masculine qualities, and there’s feminine qualities and I have more to various degrees everybody does. And that’s your unique, authentic self. What happened in the 60s is there was sort of…50s, 60s there was this feminist movement going on in America where women were saying, “Hey, we’re tired of just staying in the home getting pregnant, we wanna have jobs, we wanna be independent, we wanna express ourselves.

It’s like they’re like, totally turned on to expressing their masculine qualities. Why? Because something happened that allowed women to access all of who they are.

And so if you’re a woman and your conditioning has repressed you from your expressing your masculine side, for all of history, thousands and thousands of years, women had a role, which is nurturing, safe, taking care of children. I’m down in the Amazon, I fly in a private plane, land on the dirt lands to landing strip. Go on a canoe for two hours, walk to the jungle for five hours. Which by the way, I’ll never forget that moment.

Because around four and a half hours I’m with my wife, she says, “I can’t go on any further.” And everybody in our little group was like, “I can’t do it, I can’t do it.” And I pulled out my little bag of white powder. I said, “Just take a little bit of this, a little bit of this.” And they were all like wilted flowers and they all went, “Ahh huh.” The reason I remember that is I was a hero. Every man wants to be a hero. Why?

Biologically, when you’re a hero, your testosterone doubles. And for men in order to be, to feel good, to feel alive, to feel energetic, to feel motivated, the difference between men and women, even though women can do everything a man can do because you access your spirit now, all of who you are, you go to your male side, on your male side, still a man’s testosterone level needs to be 10 to 30 times higher than yours. This is biology. If your testosterone shoots way up, guess what happens? Your estrogen goes way down.

Your progesterone goes way down. So now you’re like to looking to doctors for hormone support, you’re getting PMS, you’re getting bloating, you have painful periods, your breasts are sore, all that crazy stuff that women go through secretly. And it creates a longing whether you wanna kill them, you hate him, all that stuff or you hate yourself, your body’s never good enough. All this is stress hormones because when you’re experiencing stress hormones, blood flow stops to this part of the brain. And you go right into the conditioning of childhood, which is the middle part of the brain.

And if you’re in full fight or flight, you go into conditioning of thousands of years ago, instincts. Instincts just go into play. You have no control over yourself. I mean, it’s not an excuse for bad behavior, but it’s explanation why people do the stupidest things.

I love the post. It’s not about the nail. Let’s just take an example of our stupidity quite often. So my wife’s upset, she’s complaining about I can’t remember I’m having such a good time, but she’s a great complainer.

But you see, I’m such a great husband. She has to work really hard to find things to complain about. I’m sorry, just what it is, okay.

And why? Why do women need to complain? That’s what you’ll learn. She’s talking about the nail, her priority is I need you to hear me first.

Women certainly can figure it out they need to pull the nail out. They don’t need him to tell her. You see they get that, she knows I gotta pull the nail out. But before you pull the nail out, that’s called solving the problem. Women need to talk about it.

Why? Why? A man goes why? What’s the point? What do you want me to do about this?

You want me to do nothing? This poor guy is like what am I doing? I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s like, that’s so hard. Every cell in his body says pull the damn nail out, what is going on here?

But what he doesn’t understand is she has a different biology. All of our well-being is psychological and physical. They go right hand in hand, biologically, if I’m depressed as a man, if I’m anxious as a man, if I’m bored as a man, if I’m angry as a man, if I’m mean as a man, if I’m violent as a man, always or if I have cancer, I’m a man or I have prostate cancer.

I can’t pee anymore. All that stuff, testaments hormones, testosterone is dropped. See, everybody misunderstood testosterone for the longest time. And then wonderful research at Stanford corrected everything, which is men’s aggression, which is seen as a problem in the world was associated with high testosterone.

Now it’s high estrogen. That’s it. What happens as a man, see, I’m standing in front of you, although I’m having fun, it’s all easy for me.

I’m doing it in my sleep. Usually, I could say I can do it in my sleep. Now, I am doing it in my sleep. So, gotta look at the clock. I could go on for hours here, so I gotta keep tighten this up, John.

Okay, let me get a little water here. Wow, I’m really on my estrogen side. You see, my female side will always go for the glass of water.

My male side won’t even see the glass, it will grab the bottle. Now, just analyze why do I want the bottle as opposed to the glass? Because if a man drinks the glass, somebody’s gotta wash the dishes.

Testosterone activates a certain gene and that’s called the efficiency gene. The efficiency gene means there could be many ways to do something. What’s the easiest, fastest way to do it?

Straight line. It’s like in my town I have routes where I live. My wife knows the whole city because she’s like, “This route’s boring, I’m gonna do another route.” Okay? For women, exploration is gonna produce estrogen, relaxation, exploration. For a man, if I get there the fastest, straight line, my testosterone goes up.

Testosterone is all about solving problems. It’s all about efficiency. It’s the gold mine for men. And female hormones are the gold mine for women, which is estrogen. And it’s not so simple.

Women are highly complex. I know women, you think we’re complex, because you can’t understand us because we’re so different. They’re always going, “What’s he thinking?

What’s he thinking?” He’s thinking nothing. “What’s he thinking?” Nothing. And I started out with a real simple idea, which is so the crux of fundamental issue that happens in all relationships is men do their best to make you happy. And we’re successful in the beginning because almost anything makes you happy.

If you’re like looking for a guy and he’s the right kind of guy, I have three daughters. I know all this stuff. They meet a guy and now they’re all calling each other, texting each other, “He called, he called, he called.” I mean, they’re so excited. “Oh my god. Oh my god, we’re gonna go to dinner.

Oh my god, this is amazing. I think he likes me. I think he likes me.

I’m so happy. Oh my god, did you hear this?” This whole thing. And this poor guy, all he had to do to make you happy was call. Then you get married.

Now, you got to do more than call. Okay. Like this, this, this, this, this, this, this. Now, men are from Mars has filled hours and hours of practical techniques to create a lasting loving relationship. I can’t do all that today, but I’ll make a point.

When you get that book, you’ll see, “Oh, I could do this. I can do this. I can do this like this.” I caution men because you read it and you go, “Wow. Now, I understand women, this is amazing. I can get laid as much as I want,” because men are motivated by certain things.

So you got all these things. And so a man is like really inspired, encouraged. So you hit like, let’s say there’s 50 things. I’m just gonna give you three today.

That’s about it. That’s all you need is the first few steps to move forward towards that, the real basics. But if there’s 50 things and I’m so in love, and I’m so inspired, I’m gonna go home and do all 50. She’s gonna be so happy.

And then about two weeks later, she will invent 51 and 52, women always want more. So, you just gotta get used to this, guys, women always want more. Now, does anybody judge a woman or a man who’s in the business world who wants more success, more money, more success, more recognition?

I just wanna sell more books. I wanna go around the world, I wanna help my message, I want a better world. I want more and more and more in the work world. Well, in our relationships, it’s only natural for us to want more there. And so we need to create a space for women to want more.

Because often men are like, If you love me, then you gotta be just like you were when we got married, happy with me just the way I am. The difference between men and women when they get married, men go please stay just like you are now. And women go, “Oh, now that we’re married I can change him.

I will improve him.” Men have the fix-it, gene. It’s testosterone, I gotta fix it. Anytime there’s a problem and I have an answer, testosterone goes up. That’s right. Now, all my sleepiness is gone.

Because if I have an answer, I got my job, I know what I can do, I can help people, get a nice response, boom, testosterone up. I could have the flu and I wouldn’t feel it now, when testosterone doubles. Just shoots up.

Now, let’s say I didn’t have confidence and I wasn’t that experienced, then I would have fear. What is actually happening in my body if I was in fear, a little nervousness, little anxiety, little stress? Biologically, there’s a hormone being produced called aromatase. Aromatase turns my testosterone which is rising to meet the challenge, but if I don’t have confidence because I don’t know what to do, I don’t have the training to do it. Then for a man his testosterone converts into estrogen and estrogen floods his brain with emotion and he feels fear, he feels anxiety, or he gets angry or he gets depressed.

Men do not experience depression, anxiety, lack of liveness, if their testosterone is in really good healthy level. Now, the men say, “Should I get my testosterone tested? I mean, what’s the story there?” Simple test, wake up in the morning, is it north or south?

Every day when you get up in the morning, you should be able to do it. Okay, you should be ready gun going. You know, this is your job, is to make babies, okay? It should be there.

I mean, is that a yes, yes? Okay, so women, yes, yes. And it is how it used to be, men’s testosterone levels just plummeting and the bad news, it just gets worse at 35. Now they’re calling that normal, natural, nonsense.

Go to indigenous cultures everyday boom, and she’s ready to go. But doesn’t mean you have sex every time. It just means you’re ready to go. Now, if you’re a monkey, you go and do it. But if you’re a human, you take that energy and you use it in all kinds of ways.

And then sometimes you’d use it for sex. But you don’t just use it all just for sex. Otherwise, you’re a teenager, 13 years old discovering I can masturbate.

That’s it. You wanna take that energy and move it into different places, as we’re, you know, I write a book, for example, I mean, I share my stories. When I write a book, I’ve written 26 books. It takes me about a month to write a book, it is about 12 to 15 hours a day of typing.

It’s just a bit of running a machine like that. And during that time, I’m naturally celibate because all of my energy is going into the book. And then when the book’s over, man, do I wanna have sex? And, of course, my wife goes, “Not yet.

I need a date. I need to get reacquainted.” Some woman said yes, yes. Okay. I used to resent that until I understood women.

So women cannot have sexual climax unless their estrogen levels double. Say for a woman to be happy and fulfilled for 12 days of a month after her period for about 10 days her estrogen levels need to rise and for five days she needs to have them be twice as high as before. That’s your ovulation time, is the three days before, during, maybe one day after, you’re ovulating. Nature says you need to be fucked.

That’s the imperative otherwise what use are you, you can’t bring on. So for happiness and aliveness for women, make sure that happens. Okay, that’s that day.

Now, as a man what I need to know is my wife just had a period, now we’re beyond that with postmenopausal or with menopausal women and beyond, it’s not so much you don’t have the cycle to measure it with, you have the full moon. Okay, so when women’s, when the moon is full, women’s estrogen levels dramatically rise. When women are ovulating their estrogen levels dramatically rise. They have to otherwise she’s infertile. During that time what estrogen does for a woman, it’s only during those five days where she really feels it.

She feels I need someone. I need not just sex, I need love, I need affection, I need attention, I need more. So if she’s getting more, she’s really, really happy and she has the unbelievable climax. But if she’s not getting more she’s a crazy woman. She’ll throw things at you, knife you, yell at you, scream at you.

Scream, bang on the door, come back, come back, come back. Don’t get away from me. You know? Because she feels this need and to the extent that she’s not aware of her feminine needs it bang her, it hits a really hard so she says things like this. So this is just like warning signs men.

She says things like, “You don’t love me. You never take me out on dates anymore. You’re never romantic.

You’re not affectionate. You always make work more important than me.” So, the key here is unhappy and never and always. Whenever they say that, that means estrogens trying to get up.

Okay, it’s got to come up. And once it’s up, then they come back to remembering how wonderful you are. But during that time, she has temporary amnesia. She does, she has temporary amnesia, and she forgets any good thing about you.

I mean, literally, I remember when I turned 50 I decided, you know, I had lots of money, big selling books, and all that stuff. So I said, “I wanna buy a ranch.” You know, imagine your husband just comes in one day. You’ve never heard him talk about a ranch.

And he says, “Honey, I’m gonna buy a ranch.” She goes, “A ranch? You never told me about this.” She says, “Who are you?” Literally, sometimes my wife will look at me, “Who are you?” And I go, “Okay, it’s that time. I can introduce myself,” but actually I don’t.

See, that’s the mistake you make. Women are saying why do you do this? And why don’t you do that? How does this…

And men like explain to you, “You’re misunderstanding. It’s not that way, you shouldn’t be upset.” She says, “We never go out anymore.” “Honey, last Wednesday we saw Hamilton. Have you forgotten already?” “Oh, oh, have I forgotten already?” See, a lot of this stuff was figured out a long time ago.

My later stuff has not ever been figured out because it was never needed. But there’s some basic Mars Venus material. But the Greeks had this, you know, the mythology of Medusa. Medusa was the witch, to politely say, she’s the bitch. Okay, so that’s Medusa.

So she’s the witch of when femininity doesn’t feel loved and supported, the witch comes out. And she has snakes that come out of her head. Nothing you do is good enough. Snakes. Unlimited complaints, okay?

You just kinda go, “How does she even think of all these things. I can achieve and hold in their mind? You just kind of go, snakes are coming out.

And some may go, okay, just I’m a warrior. Pull out your sword, fix those problems. Explain to her you shouldn’t be upset.

We just went out last week. She says, “Why do you leave your glasses in the sink? Can’t you just put them in the dishwater? How much energy does it take to move this to here?” Now, what do I wanna say to that? I wanna say, “Honey, yesterday, you left your glasses in the sink.” Exactly.

You see this men? All the women go, “Yeah, what a stupid guy.” Okay. Women do this all the time. We tell them, you know, “Honey, just pull out the nail, would you?” And they’ll be fine. She doesn’t need you to tell her that.

What she needs you for, and this is like a kind of a new revelation is she just needs to talk about it. And why do women need to talk about this stuff? Because if you experience stress, your blood flow stops to the front part of your brain and if you’re a woman talking about what’s stressing you out will actually increase your estrogen and lower your stress.

The flip side of that is that men learn, stop talking about your complaints. Your testosterone will go up. Psychology is wonderful, but it’s also kind of ruined relationships. And it encourages women to say, “What are you feeling?

What’s the matter over there? Getting men to talk about their feelings. Like I gotta penetrate him?

Basically, who’s supposed to penetrate who and where do we get penetrated as men? So if you penetrate there what do you get? Asshole? Okay?

Unless you’re gay and I wanna be space for gay, we’ll get to a little bit on gay, I’m not an expert on gay, but there’s a…you’re heterosexual because I am. I’m just telling you my life experiences and what I’ve learned. You can apply it all to gay relationship, any relationship, she was up on stage I wanna apply it to my son, okay, it’s understanding differences.

Ultimately, a marriage is the best biggest testing ground to learn something which is called unconditional love. Accepting someone that you just don’t understand and can’t make sense of. And I help you to do that. But you’re still always gonna be challenged. I’m Kung Fu.

This is Kung Fu relationship skills we’re talking about. See, like, if I was like this insecure guy and needing my wife to bump up my ego whatever, I come home everybody gave me a standing ovation. I’m feeling on top of the world, best selling authors, celebrity type, all that stuff. I come home my wife sees me and she goes, “You know, you forgot to call, when are you gonna call me?” Boom, it’s like, that’s the greeting I get.

It’s like I’m such big shot. Or she’ll say something like, I’ll come home and relaxing, watching the news and she say, “John, you left the light on in the living room.” What are you supposed to say if you’re a man? And she’d be upset about little things. See, in her mind, she thinks I’m only upset about little stuff. That means you’re like a great guy because I’m only upset about little stuff.

But that’s not how men if they don’t understand women, they misinterpret it. They think that if I really do a bad job, if I’m doing a bad job as a husband, then you have a right to be upset with me about these little things, like you don’t do this, you don’t do this, you don’t do this. So let’s use, give me an example the way men think. Let’s say I’m the president, and you voted for me and I come into your house and attract dirt in your house. But you love me so much.

I’m the president you voted for and he tracks dirt in your house. Do you say anything? “Oh, let me pick up your dirt, happy to do that. No problem.” Just like you were when he first married you, pick up after you. See women, when they get married to a guy, they go, “Oh, god, yes, he’s a messy I can clean up after him.

Look at how I can give my love to him.” Then later, it’s like, “Well, what’s he doing for me?” Particularly at that time, where she’s giving and giving but this is the time when she needs to receive back most, the most. So back to my first point since I haven’t even finished that. I only have 15 minutes left. Dream with me, dream with me. First point, what do men say when they’re thinking about giving up?

No matter what I do, it’s not enough to make her happy. And what do women say? They say, “15 minutes of he doesn’t do this, he doesn’t do this.” I give and I give and I give, I’m this loving, wonderful woman and I don’t get back and I just have nothing left to give.

And she doesn’t. Because when her estrogen levels drop, because she’s not receiving, when anybody does something for you, your estrogen levels start to come up, and many women are very uncomfortable feeling femininity. So what happened in the 60s, this my new book “Beyond Mars and Venus,” we had these very traditional roles, you might call remarriage a role mate. I’m the provider, she’s the homemaker and we have this nice relationship.

Then what comes along in the 60s is women say, “We can do everything men can do and actually that happened a lot at least in America because in World War Two, all the men were gone and so the women filled the factories and did everything and then people figured out, “Wow, women can do this stuff too. They can’t just make babies, they can do everything men can do. And they’ll do it for less.” I didn’t design that, but they will. Okay. They’ll, they basically they got babies and they’ll do whatever it takes to put food on the table for that baby.

Whereas men are gonna go, “Well, I want a better job, you know.” And when a man’s out of work, this is what you don’t know. The man’s out of work, it drops his testosterone. There’s nothing more potent to boost a man’s testosterone as his work. And if his work gets too easy, then he has to do difficult stuff.

Men have to do difficult stuff and overcome. Every man in this room, think about what you’re most proud of in your life. What was most proud that you’re most proud of?

It’s something that was an obstacle. It was a challenge. It was a difficulty that you overcame, you succeeded. You survived.

You did it. That’s what builds a man’s self-esteem. Actually, what builds a woman’s self-esteem is just the opposite.

When somebody shows you love and support and you don’t have to do anything. See, we got this all this power thing, all these empowered women, a little confused. See, I’m all into women being like Superman, but they’re unhappy.

And we have evidence of that and they’re more stressed than men. Because when they’re Superman, their male hormones are being produced while they’re making money, work for money produces testosterone. Hard work produces testosterone, non-nurturing work produces testosterone. Risk, danger, decision making, leadership, all those things are testosterone producers. Testosterone feels good.

Better for men than women, but feels good for women as well, makes endorphins, feel-good brain chemicals. The problem is once you’re over on your testosterone side, hard to get back to the sweet, loving woman. Happy, playful, enjoyable, youthful, and certainly orgasmic, hard to get back to the feminine side. So as women have moved forward, since the 60s to become more and more independent, anytime I’m independent testosterone levels shoot up.

When a woman is independent, testosterone levels shoot up. When a person is dependent, I need you, what hormone gets produced? Estrogen. It’s love.

I mean, think about it, if you’re hungry, you need food, right? Somebody comes along, says, “Oh, let me give you some food.” Estrogen goes up and you feel lots of love. If you’re a woman that’s the hormone you need 10 times more than men for five days of the month after your period, then the next five days you need 20 times more. And then for the next 12 days, you need progestin and less estrogen. So literally, you’re kind of schizophrenic.

Now, a nice way to say this that I like to hold in my mind is it women are like the weather. The sun is always shining, but the clouds get in the way. And men, if you could just get, if you stop trying to fix women or change women, the clouds will always blow away and the sun will shine again.

But that clouds in front there, you wanna like get mad at her, get upset with her, tell her she should change, or as the Greeks understood if you cut off one snake from Medusa, what happens? Three more grow back. That’s the modern marriage right there. Guys trying to explain to her that she’s wrong for being upset or bothered, and she’ll now give you three more reasons.

And then you explain those are wrong and she’ll give you three more reasons. That’s the nature of femininity. They need validation, that’s what’s gonna validate. If you like, explain to her, “You have no right, no rational reason to feel what you feel.” Then she’s gonna have to keep finding reasons. So that’s my Kung Fu relationship skill.

One of them is my wife will say, “You left the light on in the living room. Our electric bill is so high you know that, don’t you.” Now, if I was to actually speak my truth at that moment, “I don’t give a fuck about the electric bill. I make millions of dollars.

I spend that on a dinner.” Do I say that? Would it work? No.

I can make a joke about it to you. I can talk to my guys about it. What do I do? Men don’t know what to do. And she’s looking at you like you’re supposed to say, “I’m so sorry.” Now, before I learned this advanced technique I’m gonna teach you now, my technique then was I’d say I’m sorry.

Women want you to say I’m sorry. Then finally, I realized I’ve got a quota every week, three I’m sorry’s and that’s it. So my wife will look at me, I’ll say, “I’ve given you three already, honey, that’s it.” It didn’t really have a great effect on her. Because see, if it’s two women together and somebody does something that’s a little upsetting to you, the other one, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” But what happens when you’re a testosterone guy is whenever you get a stressful message, whenever you’re in a situation that’s challenging.

And by the way, women, anytime you even think about wanting a man to change is like, “What? Me change? But I’m the guy that just called you and you were happy.” So, we get a little defensive and as soon as men get defensive that means threat, then your testosterone goes up, you become more masculine. Now, what are the qualities of just pure masculinity? Independence, so you step back, you want space, you detach, you become less emotional, and this is actually measurable in the brain, is that when men experience moderate stress, estrogen levels drop and blood flow for men goes to the back part, higher stress, blood flow goes back here, and modern stress it goes here.

And at that time, what occurs is he feels, experiences a detachment, whereas for women they experienced under moderate stress eight times increase blood flow to the emotional part of the brain. That’s the limbic system, suddenly they become aware of everything they’re not getting. And that’s why you feel overwhelmed. See, when you’re in moderate stress, women are like, I haven’t done this, I haven’t done this, I still have the right card. Somebody sent me this, you know, I haven’t told this person this.

My wife will, I mean, I remember when I first realized this, I was doing a trip, a tour in Australia. We were talking on the radio about men and women. And some guy calls up and he says, “Yeah, my girlfriend,” I can’t do an accent, “My girlfriend I thought she’s like crazy.” I said, “Well, tell me about it.” He says, “So we’re gonna go into the bedroom to have sex.

And like I’m all excited. She’s excited. We’re kissing, we’re touching. Now we’re going into the bedroom to have sex and she says, “Hold on,” and she sees the glass. “I have to clean it.” Okay, now who has to clean a glass when you could have sex? A woman.

She sees it all, it’s all there. You know, it’s not like everything’s flowing down south and saying like me, me, me. She’s still up here in the head, like where are you, we had to slow down here, buddy, slow down, slow down, slow down. Okay, so anyway, back to eight minutes left.

Okay, so maybe I can make one point. So how did they slay Medusa? How do you slay Medusa? If you cut off a snake, you just get more snakes. So doesn’t work, men, to argue with women, but you don’t know…you don’t have a what else, you don’t know what else to do.

We never seen what else to do. The only thing we’ve ever seen as an argument, if we’re lucky, is our fathers didn’t like yell and scream at our mothers. Unfortunately, mine didn’t.

But what he would do if there was tension, he just walked outside. So I remember my first relationship there’d be tension, I would get upset and I would like just like I knew exactly what to do. Fuck this shit.

I’m going for the door, and I go out the door, I’m so confident. I know just where I’m going and what I’m gonna do and then I pause and go, “I have no idea what to do now?” I never saw what my father did when he went out the door because he was gone. So no training. So I teach men only classes too, in Marin County where I live.

And I’m teaching the men, okay now, the bottom line is whenever you’re angry, as soon as you get angry you have to know as a man, you’ve just lost your masculinity. See, we don’t have any role models of Kung Fu masters. Watch some Chinese movies, you’ll see what a real man is. They fight without even looking, they’re so good.

They never cracked, they’re always cool, calm and collected. That’s pure testosterone, confidence, confidence, confidence. And of course, you can be this confident, competent guy with your masculine qualities and a woman who’s confident, competent, you’re on your masculine side. You can do anything a man can do.

Never saying on a spiritual level, we are both masculine-feminine. That our happiness is dependent on expressing all of who we are in a way where we can be loved. But in our body, you have this human body and if you have a woman’s body, you have to honor your feminine hormones. If you have a man, you have to honor your masculine hormones. So love is what keeps us going.

But love, you know, it’s like I love, love is such an expansive word. So think of love like ice cream, who likes ice cream? We all like most people love ice cream. Ice in America, they’re addicted to it.

But there’s different flavors of ice cream. So what are the flavors of love? So, there’s certain types of love that will actually increase testosterone in a man or woman.

There’s certain types of love that will increase estrogen or progesterone, or oxytocin, these are female hormones. So let’s try to identify those forms of love so that if I see my wife is stressed out, I know she’s too far on her male side, I can bring her back to her female side, and then she’ll be happy. How do I do that? I know the kinds of love that she needs, what are they? Caring, understanding, and respecting.

That will always produce estrogen. Caring, this is simplifying it but you need little categories caring, understanding, and respect. Now, what is respect? Respect means that I don’t get to do everything I want when I want it.

But I honor her and that’s what’s called a romantic date. A romantic date is for her, men, not you. See, if it was just all men we would not have Valentine’s Day, that’s her day.

We would just have Super Bowl Sunday and drink beer and go to sleep. Okay, that would be it. Valentine’s Day is just acknowledging there’s a day where you experience that tremendous happiness because she’s happy and that is you’re happy you find out what she wants, what she needs, and then you deliver it. I can’t be her delivery man all the time. Okay, I’m across the world right now.

But she doesn’t need it all the time. She’s an independent, self-sufficient woman capable of finding her happiness. However, if she wanted to be happier, which is that meant orgasmic and fulfilled in life, she’s got me, moi. And boy, do I take credit for it?

That’s the glow for a man. It’s like, “Look what I did. Who can I tell?” The point is, men get upset because women are not happy.

If you just accept it, they’ll never be a time where a woman will be happy all the time. It’s like my business. There’s never a time where there’s another problem for me to solve. Life is about problems and then we’re designed to solve them and fix them. Our biggest problem is to think there shouldn’t be any problems that she should like always love everything and be happy to see you all the time, okay?

It’s not the weather, women are the weather. And men are from Mars, I talk about women are like on a wave. You know, life is particles and wave, yin and yang, opposites.

When you have the wave, it means when the wave’s going up, you can do no wrong. She’s happy. She’s like, cool, everything’s fine in the relationship, she hits a peak.

Maybe you just had great sex, boom, the next day, crash, the wave comes down, it has to come down. And of course, when it’s coming down, and the guy goes back, back, back. No, no, just say, “Hey, this is the time, it’s coming down, let it come down. Give her what she needs at that time.

You can’t fix her, you can’t make her happy, you can create safety for her. “Beyond Mars and Venus” is in my generation growing up is more acceptable that men were like this, women were that, that was roles, men had roles. And that change started changing in the 60s, not because women discovered that men were assholes. That’s pretty much a lot of what some feminists think, we’ll call them Nazi feminists. Okay, they think that we can be equal.

We’re down here and men are up here, the way we’re gonna be equal is to put them down and we go on top. That’s not the way to do it. And that’s not actually the way this beautiful movement over equality has occurred.

I tribute it not to hating men, but the empowerment of women, the freedom of women to express all of who they are, to not just be this vulnerable, sensitive, loving, happy, nurturing being. She wants to also be independent and be able to handle big decisions and be leaders and government people and make money and have career and work 80 hours a week and come home and be unhappy. But my answer is you can do all of that.

But if you have a personal life that stimulates your estrogen at the right time, your progesterone at the right time, then you balance your testosterone, you come back to your feminine, so women used to need men, as providers, but as soon as when you can provide for yourself, why do we need it? What’s my job? And literally men are out of work in terms of women, why would you need a man? Many women go, “I don’t need a man, you know, I can take care of myself. Just take him on that, when I’m ovulating I’ll find one at the bar,” which you can, but the why do you need a man, you need a man because he can help you come back to your feminine side.

That’s the most important thing for women today. And that’s our job as men is no longer just to provide material support, but to provide a kind of emotional support that men have never learned how to give. And the kind of emotional support that we need to provide, if I can give one of those kinds, caring, understanding, respect. When you respect somebody, if they’re angry at you, you listen, you don’t argue with them. You don’t have to agree with them, but you hear them out.

You don’t try to change them. And if you get defensive and you’re a man, you start to feel angry. Just know whenever you feel angry, your testosterone is converting into estrogen. You’re becoming a big baby.

Yeah, estrogen and you’re throwing a tantrum, you’re a total turnoff to her. And this is the moment when you can be the biggest turn on. There’s nothing more exciting to a woman than a woman going crazy and a man’s there for her.

Maybe you’ve never had it, but it’s an amazing thing, where she knows no judgment will ever come, no criticism will come and the guy goes, “Well, I’m supposed to always let her do that?” And she’s not doing anything to you. You let her do that to you, by getting all argumentative. Because when you get upset, if you get to the point where you’re angry, and you speak, biologically, if you speak when you’re angry, your estrogen goes up. That’s why she’s speaking if she feels safe enough to speak, most women don’t even know they have it inside because they’re not safe.

But if she expresses her feelings, estrogen goes up. If he is upset and expresses his feelings, I’m talking while he’s upset, his estrogen will go up. Does that help him lower his stress? Does that help him to bring the blood flow back to the front part of the brain where your heart opens and you can be this wonderful person?

No. So what should a man do when he’s angry? Don’t speak.

Don’t speak, say nothing. And then if you’re angry and she speaks more then you start getting angrier. And if you say what you’re feeling you’ll get way estrogen. But there’s a certain point where I’m having a conversation, I feel I’m being criticized for trying to be changed in some way. I always give her three questions before I walk away.

The first is help me understand that better, because now I’m in charge again, I’m back in control of myself. I got something to do. You kind of go, “What do I do?” That poor guy with the nail, he’s like, that must be really hard. You know, he’s trying to find some sympathetic thing.

When you think, why the fuck don’t you pull the nail out? Why? See, the man detaches.

He doesn’t have all these feelings. It’s like when my wife looks at me and she says, “You left the light on again.” And she looks at me, she’s looking for something. What’s she looking for? She wants me to say what another girlfriend would say, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” But I’m not sorry. That’s why I left the light on.

It’s not important to me. It should be, we’re environmental. You should be more concerned. And then I could get an argument.

I can say, “Yeah, but we use only green energy at our house. It doesn’t matter. It’s coming from the sun.” We have to all learn to conserve.

Women always love to improve their men. And I’m like, “One step at a time.” That’s it. Next step, little change.

Remember men, you run to be perfect, then you’ve got a whole new standard, you do 50 things, now it’s gonna be 51, 52. They always want more. So what’s wrong with that? Nothing wrong with that. But men don’t trust that they’re gonna be happy with you unless you do more.

Do your best. Your best is good enough.

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